Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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