It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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