you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
