I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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