Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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