Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
