do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
