I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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