So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
