Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
