the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
