When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
