they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
