Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
