I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
