I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
