I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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