so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
