why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Randomize
