My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
my sisters under your porch take her home
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
