I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize