OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
