Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
