You're so nebulous sometimes
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
