i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
