I hate all girls vehemently.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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