So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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