This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I will pee on everything he values.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
