You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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