are you still at the devil's house?
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
