Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
