i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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