My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
