You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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