I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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