i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
It was confusing and full of hummus
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
