We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
