Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
