well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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