My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
