bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
you made out with another girl for some wings
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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