Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
