Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
