a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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