That's intense
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
