I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
