five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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