I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
