ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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