Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
