ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
