America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
