god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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