i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
