Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
