I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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