my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
