If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Randomize